It's never good enough to feel right.

So I thought I would start posting again. Firstly, I have no idea why I can only blog at silly times in the morning. Secondly, I never know what I want to blog about, I just know I want to blog, so this (as per usual) will be a random assortment of my thoughts. But then again, isn't that what blogs are supposed to be?

Anyway, I have started University now. I have settled in. I have explored and fell in love with Lancaster. I have made friends. I have been luck enough not to make foes (yet). I am really enjoying it. The thought that I might not be able to cope still crosses my mind sometimes, but not as much as the thought of me graduating does, which I suppose is a good thing. Everything seems to be going good, apart from the fact I have developed insomnia, but that will pass, surely?

My lecturers seem to love me, which again I suppose is a good thing. Over all the academic side of University seems to be going pretty amazing. I hope. Unless I am deluded, which is porobably more likely. So apart from friends, living, lectures, enviroment, what else is there for me to talk about? The ever so popular subject, love? I guess I will give it a go then.

So, since the town is so small, there isn't much of a 'gay scene' here. Well, compared to Liverpool, there is nothing. But I have still managed to scope out my fellow homosexuals, I have had a few flings with maybe three them, a fumble, if you will? Any how, I still kept up hopes about me and Shane. Sadly, that has come to a dramatic and drastic halt. I am both crushed, and a little relieved that I do not have to keep hoping, but then when I think of the fact that I don't need to keep hoping, I feel more and more crushed. (Here we go again, with my depressing thoughts.)

We were getting really close (after I made a fool of myself on the first night, but I was drunk and it has been forgotten now.) We met up for coffee, we had a lovely talk, we were texting quite a bit, then I ran out of credit and he went home for reading week. A perfect time for me to give him space, right? Wrong! In this week he started talking to another guy, who I also have spoke too and have a slight crush on, but it is only a crush. I dislike him now since he is now 'romantically involved' with Shane. But thats just me being bitter. Anyway! I find out today that he is going on a date with his new boy, then they are going to the only 'gay night' in Lancaster, there goes my plans for this evening. So yet again, he did what he does best. he built me up. He strung me along. He crushed me. The worst part is, I doubt I will learn from this at all. If his date goes awful tomorrow and he starts texting me again, I will jump right back into it, I am going into a downwards spiral, I swear.

So, now that, that is out of my system, I can talk again about how happy I am, minus the male drama which loves to follow me. (Maybe I just turn male attention into drama and that is why it follows me? [That is a thought to ponder at a later date.]) So, happy! I am very happy! I have a lovely group of friends here, I have gotten amazingly close to two of them, females of course, they're amazing. Oooooh I have also got my house for next year, contract signed and everything, which is brilliant, I am very very very very very happy about that! I am also going on a protest on Wednesday! To fight against tuition fee's going up to ridiculous amounts, so if you're not in University yet, you're very welcome that I am fighting to save you money!

I have a lovely three hour long lecture tomorrow, obviously I am joking, its an awful lecture on Semiotic Analysis, I always feel really clever when I say that outloud. It is nearly 4am and I am still awake, I have even tried to take sleeping pills tonight, which knocked me out for an hour, very pointless, [note to reader: do not buy Kalms, it doesn't work] but at least I had time to update my blog becuase of lack of sleep.

I am going to tidy up my bedroom and then force myself to sleep which hopefully will work, maybe, possibly, probably not. I really love updating this, I am very angry that I have not done so since August. I feel like a failure, not that anyone reads it at all. But it is still lovely to vent, via fingers and keyboard and screen. Jesus, I have just realised how cold I am. Nearly been writing for an hour, how amazing is that? Probably not as amazing as I feel it is since I probably have not write as much as I think I have.

Blessed Be.
xoxo

When I look at clouds, sometimes I see angels.

Last night. I was in Michaels. He was alseep. I just sat there, wrapped my arms around my pillow and wondered. What will come of all of this? What if I can't cope with University? What if I it all goes tits up. Just, what if? I don't want to become, a lost soul. Yeah I am using the name of the book, but it fits, so its okay. Then I started thinking more so, if I do become a lost soul, where do all the lost souls go? Ah, how lame.

Its been buzzing round in my head since about 4am, still is now like. It was so weird walking home. I walked through Sefton Park, which usually just calms me down. I went through the path to the fairy glen and everything, even though it was taking me out of my way. Then I stopped walking, and lay on the floor. Not even the grass. just lay on the path and stared upwards. There were no clouds there, the name of this blog was just in a song aha. I was just there, thinking, then I started crying. Then I started doing the shakey thing I do, which was bad since no one was there to stop me. Then I just stopped.

I was freaking out, then, I wasn't. I was just blank. I just stood up, and carried on with my walk, but blank. It was so weird. I wasn't happy, or sad, or anything. Then I saw the infamous Herron of Sefton park, but, it wasn't the Herron. It was a baby Herron!!!!!! And I was happy again. Its strange how the smallest of things can cheer you up, no?

The phone just rang and I had to answer it and now I have been thrown off what I was writing. I guess I will just end it here, until I can start writing again. Fail.

Getting away.

Why is it that I am not physically and mentally able to hold onto an emotion for more than a day at a time? I mean, I was so happy when I was with Shane, 24 hours of pure bliss. Then the next night, and day even, I am the lowest I have been in over 2 months. I am stuck in a rut at the moment, and I can't see a way in which I am going to get out of it.

I keep throwing myself into books, situations which the characters have been in. I imagine myself as 'Nothing'. I imagine myself as 'Charlie'. I imagine myself as 'Andrew', 'Noah', 'Paul', 'Ghost', 'Steve', 'Zach', 'Trevor', 'Kyle', 'Patrick', EVERYONE!!!! Every single male who has been in some form of situation involving, well anything. I try to be. Try to imagine how they got out. I just, don't seem to be able to do it. At all.

I havn't even be able to write properly. I have opened countless Microsoft Word Applications. Started, got a paragraph done, and then stopped and deleted everything. I havn't even been updating my journal. I think that is the most depressing thing. I can't even write to myself, about myself. I wont admit how I am feeling, not even to myself.

Everyone is doing that thing again as well, where they ignore the fact that something is up with me. Not that they don't ask. Just that, they don't . . . listen. I will start to explain, and then they will talk about themselves again. I really really really need to go to someone. Maybe University will have someone I can get help off. Then again, maybe in University I wont need it. I will be away, from everything.

I am kidding myself when I say I am mostly excited about being with Shane. Its really not that. It is a factor obviously. I can't help but realising that its more the fact that I can finally say goodbye. Goodbye to everything. Everyone. Everywhere. I am really just looking forward to seeing who still wants me in their life, and who needs me there. I just hope that there is a difference.

I think that knowing that people want me to know them will help me a lot more. I know I am sounding like such a depressing git, but its honestly how I am feeling. I just want to get there and have at least one message of someone saying that they miss me already or something. Even though I would have only have been gone for a few hours. Something to show me that people in Liverpool care about me. Care about how hard its going to be for me, not having anyone.

There are people in Liverpool who know all my darkest secrets. What happens if I go away, and something from my past upsets me? What if that happens and no one in Liverpool has got in touch with me, what if no one is there anymore? I wont be able to tell anyone in my flat. They'd think I was insane. I wont have anyone to turn to then. I will be more alone than I am now. Oh fuck. I am getting really emotional now.

I just want to spend one night. In Sefton Park. With someone. Anyone. Just talking about me. Them prompting me to talk of course, but me talking none the less. All night long. Just speaking. Not caring what is coming out. Just saying everything that I have never been able to say, ever. Them just listening. Holding me. Taking in every word. Then again though. If I had that. I wouldn't need to write blogs like this at all.

Its getting light out now. I really ought to force myself to sleep. I will probably be back in a few hours, complaining about not being able to sleep 'cause my mind is too cluttered. Hopefully this has taken a bit off my mind though. I hope I don't cry myself to sleep again. Theres that overly depressing part of me again. Hey, at least its the one part of me that is being truthful to myself right now.

We're Invisible.

So. I havn't posted anything since the 'freak out' post. I was messsssssssssssed up, but screw that! I am happier now. Like so much happier. I have just had the most wonderful 24 hours with Shane. Ohmigod!! I can't even begin to describe how lovely it was. How amazing he makes me feel, honestly. Aghh!!

The most amazing this is its so, beautiful how it happend. We were talking on Facebook, and we were planning a day/night that he could come down and stay with me, and then he decided to drive down now. This is at 2am, as well. So I was like, um. . .if you're sure. Then he just turns up, an hour-ish or so later. After driving 45-55 miles (depends on which route he took). He came in, we got in bed. Then we just held eachother. All night. All day. We just held eachother. It was beautiful!!

I have been smiling since he decided he was coming down, and I am still smiling now, two hours after he has left. I can't honestly believe it. I have never had anyone come and see me in the early hours of the morning. I was/am so shocked, even now. That something as amazing as this has happend to me.

September can't turn up quick enough now, I will be in University. With Shane. In a new city. Starting everything new, like I wanted to do. Everything is unfolding exactly how I wanted it too. Thank you Fate. It feels like such serendipity. Its beautiful.

Nothing more I can say being honest. I am afraid I am going to have to quote now. A bit of 'Bright Eyes' is in order I think. A beautiful part of 'The First Day of My Life' I think is suitable, no?

"Yours is the first face that I saw
I Think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
I'm Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy."

Fuck off, Fate!

Okay, so. What the fuck?! I know I was in the wrong, I know it shouldn't be happening like this at all, but there is honestly no reason that Fate should do this to me. I mean, I am such a believer in Fate, but this is going too far!

Sitting with Ramona discussing the past days and what has been going on, you know, updating her on my life since we last had time to speak. We get onto the subject of boys, we talk about how Shane makes me smile, inside. We talk about Sam, 'the one that got away.' We talk about David, and what is going on with him.

I, stupidly, decided to pick up 'Boy Meets Boy.' Another book I like to think of as a bible of mine. And we're just flicking through it, reading quotes we both know and love, then I glance away to start this blog. My finger left in a random unknown page, when I turn back and open the book, the first words I see are:

It was only a kiss!
Noah shakes his head. "It's never just a kiss. You know that. So just go home."

Okay Fate. Now I like you, I believe in you, but seriously, what is that all about? Seriously. Back off. Ugh!

Its so weird, I just feel like Peter Pan recently, 'cause everything is changing. I don't want to grow up and have to deal with more Fate-esqu incidents. I don't want to be an adult and have to talk to people. I just want to be left where I am right now. Living these months over and over, with my old friends (Ramona, Rae, Beau, Emily.) with my new friends (Laura, Kim, David.) I just want this to carry on forever.

Talking about David, he helped me a lot last night. He made me talk about myself, which I never do. I mean, I could write about myself for hours and hours, about everything, but if I were told to talk about myself. I'd be screwed.

I didn't do too bad at this talking business either. I was prompted, but I still managed to get through a full conversation, on mself. I am rather proud, I must say. So anyway. My mind has again gone blank. So I shall love and leave. This time, with no quotes/lyrics/poems at the end of my blog. Oh I am proud. Again.

p.s. I wrote in my journal again today. I have decided to stop dating each page, and instead, just write. I will type the entry up soon.

Preserve your memories, they're all that's left.

So much has happend since my last post, but also, so little has happend. I mean, I have been out 'clubbing' twice, I have been to a 60th birthday party, I have watched all the Harry Potter films. Yet there it still feels as though I have not done anything at all and time seemsto have just. . .vanished.

I am quite, sad? At the moment. I havn't been writing, or doing much of anything and it feels awful, I need some inspiration but nothing has came up that has inspired me to write. Everything is just bland bland bland and there is nothing, I feel, I can do about it. The only plus that has happend is that it is now Sunday 1st August 2010, which means my family go on holiday for two weeks as of today.

Maybe them being gone will help me write more? I will have a lot more freedom at least. I just really feel like there is nothing left in Liverpool for me at all, I want to go to Lancaster, start a new life, be a new person, find new loves, find new friends and make new memories. That sounds so awful. Its not that I don't like my current life, my current self, my current loves, my current friends and, well I would say current memories, but thats not possible, aha. Its just that, I am getting restless. Liverpool has stated making me feel anxious.

I have come to realise that I am really awful at writing blogs. Again. I will finish this blog with some form of lyrics/poetry/quotes.

"Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen."

This is from 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which I have started mentioning a lot in my blogs. Honestly, read it.

Just Like Thelma & Louise

So. . .'Thelma and Louise' by 'Horrorpops' has just came on and it reminded me of David.
Its amazing how close you can get to someone in such a short space of time, I mean. When I first saw David way back when, in like 2007, I proper thought he hated me and thus decided I hated him.

And now we're incredibly good friends, last night was beautiful! We just stood there in my room. For about 15minutes just hugging. Holding eachother. Taking away eachothers worries. Just for that time. I don't honestly think I could describe it as anything but, infinate. (Readers of 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' will understand what I mean.) It truely was beautiful!

There is nothing more I really want to say, so I will just post the lyrics from the fore mentioned song:

"Going for a ride
My best friend and I
I wink and give her a smile

Pointed shades
The wind on my face
I light a cigarette

Engine is roaring and
Roads are steaming
Hearts are glowing
Freedom is forever
Angels cannot fall
And Devils won't be caught

We're just gonna drive
Scarves flying high
No direction
Just like Thelma and Louise
Fears left behind
Girls on a ride
No cage
Just like Thelma and Louise

Music's plying loud and
We're singing along
My best friend and I

Nothing is denied and
the sky is our guide and
we cannot be confined, no

Engine is roaring and
Roads are steaming
Hearts are glowing
Freedom is forever
Angels cannot fall
And Devils won't be caught

We're just gonna drive
Scarves flying high
No direction
Just like Thelma and Louise
Fears left behind
Girls on a ride
No cage
Just like Thelma and Louise

The roads are so wide
They pass our side
No truce
Just like Thelma and Louise
We're just gonna drive
Scarves flying high
No direction
Seems like we'll never die
Fears left behind
Girls on a ride
No truce
Just like Thelma and Louise
Thelma and Louise
Thelma and Louise
Just like Thelma and Louis"

Wahhhhh!! Amazing film, amazing song, amazing lyrics :')