Getting away.

Why is it that I am not physically and mentally able to hold onto an emotion for more than a day at a time? I mean, I was so happy when I was with Shane, 24 hours of pure bliss. Then the next night, and day even, I am the lowest I have been in over 2 months. I am stuck in a rut at the moment, and I can't see a way in which I am going to get out of it.

I keep throwing myself into books, situations which the characters have been in. I imagine myself as 'Nothing'. I imagine myself as 'Charlie'. I imagine myself as 'Andrew', 'Noah', 'Paul', 'Ghost', 'Steve', 'Zach', 'Trevor', 'Kyle', 'Patrick', EVERYONE!!!! Every single male who has been in some form of situation involving, well anything. I try to be. Try to imagine how they got out. I just, don't seem to be able to do it. At all.

I havn't even be able to write properly. I have opened countless Microsoft Word Applications. Started, got a paragraph done, and then stopped and deleted everything. I havn't even been updating my journal. I think that is the most depressing thing. I can't even write to myself, about myself. I wont admit how I am feeling, not even to myself.

Everyone is doing that thing again as well, where they ignore the fact that something is up with me. Not that they don't ask. Just that, they don't . . . listen. I will start to explain, and then they will talk about themselves again. I really really really need to go to someone. Maybe University will have someone I can get help off. Then again, maybe in University I wont need it. I will be away, from everything.

I am kidding myself when I say I am mostly excited about being with Shane. Its really not that. It is a factor obviously. I can't help but realising that its more the fact that I can finally say goodbye. Goodbye to everything. Everyone. Everywhere. I am really just looking forward to seeing who still wants me in their life, and who needs me there. I just hope that there is a difference.

I think that knowing that people want me to know them will help me a lot more. I know I am sounding like such a depressing git, but its honestly how I am feeling. I just want to get there and have at least one message of someone saying that they miss me already or something. Even though I would have only have been gone for a few hours. Something to show me that people in Liverpool care about me. Care about how hard its going to be for me, not having anyone.

There are people in Liverpool who know all my darkest secrets. What happens if I go away, and something from my past upsets me? What if that happens and no one in Liverpool has got in touch with me, what if no one is there anymore? I wont be able to tell anyone in my flat. They'd think I was insane. I wont have anyone to turn to then. I will be more alone than I am now. Oh fuck. I am getting really emotional now.

I just want to spend one night. In Sefton Park. With someone. Anyone. Just talking about me. Them prompting me to talk of course, but me talking none the less. All night long. Just speaking. Not caring what is coming out. Just saying everything that I have never been able to say, ever. Them just listening. Holding me. Taking in every word. Then again though. If I had that. I wouldn't need to write blogs like this at all.

Its getting light out now. I really ought to force myself to sleep. I will probably be back in a few hours, complaining about not being able to sleep 'cause my mind is too cluttered. Hopefully this has taken a bit off my mind though. I hope I don't cry myself to sleep again. Theres that overly depressing part of me again. Hey, at least its the one part of me that is being truthful to myself right now.